What a difference two years can make.

A posting on the guai board this evening really touched me. One of the members of our online support group wrote about her progress after two years of guaifenesen and her words totally struck a chord with me. I'm going to paste her note below, and after that, in italics, paste what I wrote in response:

[quoted from a posting on guaigroup.org on 1/19/06]
>>I am fast approaching my 2 yr rebirth day. 3/04 was when I started
>> on guai protocol. At that time I was on the brink of suicide.
>> I had been bed ridden for six month with a pain level of 8-9 daily.
>> Exhaustion was my constant companion. I had no life.
>> I was aware of the protocol for many years but thought,
>> like my doctor, that it was just too complicated
>>and not a proven method--it just would not work.
>> I'm here to tell you that it does.
>> Don't get me wrong. I still have pain, fatigue
>>and other "gifts" of thisd.d. [damned disease]but
>> I have a life-a real life. I am volunteering
>>for the Or. State Park system as a campground host.
>> This was a dream of mine way back when.
>>I live full time in a travel trailer and get to
>>travel the state and meet new people. I can "work"
>> the 4 hours daily x 5 days required by the state
>>after being unable to work for 16 years.
>> I really found out who my friends were when
>>the fibro hit with full force. A few stuck with
>> me, many dropped by the wayside. They were unable
>>to understand that I was sick and could not make
>> plans to do thiings with them. They did not
>>undertand why sometimes I wanted to leave as soon
>>as we arrived somewhere.
>>In the past six months I have,after retitrating
>> my dose, gone river rafting, hiked trails,
>>driven miles and miles. seen more of the state
>>I live in than I did in the previous 10 years.
>> I HAVE A LIFE.
>>My children have a mother again.
>>I can do the Christmas baking.
>>When I visit them I can stay up late and play
>>cards and games. I still get tired, achy and
>> maintain a pain level around 5 but I am soooo much betterhyy

This posting struck a chord in me, particularly her mention of almost commiting suicide two years ago, her feeling that her children have a mother again, and the feeling that she is reborn.

Here is the note I posted back, sharing my similair experiences:

Your "two year rebirth day."

How beautiful! How touching!

Our stories have so much in common.

Two years ago I was in much the same position. I was in so much pain, and so depressed, and the doctors couldn't tell me why. They implied it was all in my head, and while I thought my pain was real, I started to think that maybe I was crazy. I'd been going to doctors for so many years. Not one of them ever mentioned fibromyalgia was a possibility. I didn't even know the disease existed. I just knew I felt awful everyday.

And, I felt that my husband and son would be much better off without me. With me out of the picture, my husband could remarry someone better than me, and have a better wife, and my son could have a better mother. Someone without chronic pain. (Or, the supposed chronic pain that the doctors said was all in my head.) Someone who wasn't irritable all the time, (from the same supposed chronic pain.) And, constantly exhausted, (although, I must just be lazy, since the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me and all my blood tests kept coming back normal.) The fault must therefore lie in me, so the world would be better off without me.

I didn't want my husband to feel any guilt over my passing, so I decided it would be best if I just drove my minivan off of a cliff on Highway 1. For those of you not familair with California highways, Highway 1 runs right along the coast. We lived in Morro Bay, a coastal fishing village, conveniently located right on Highway 1. I just needed to find someone to watch my son, then I could follow the highway up the coast for about 25 miles into Big Sur, and simply turn off one of those cliffs. It would be so easy to do. There are so many sections there without guard rails, and the drops are so very steep. And, if it looked like an accident, then my husband could grieve without guilt, move on, and find himself a better wife.

And, that's the state I was in two years ago this month. Yes, because by mid-January 2004, I had given up all hope. I'd completely given up all hope I would ever feel better. I'd felt I had seen ever specialist, and exhausted ever possible avenue the medical field could offer me. They still could find nothing wrong, yet I kept getting worse and worse.

I think it was around January 16th or so, and I was sitting at the beach, staring at the ocean, pondering the meaning of life. I have always loved the ocean. The rythmns of the ocean have always soothed my soul. I wanted so much to believe life would get better. But, I just didn't know what else to do.

My son, who was two at the time, was romping about in the sand with our dog, and I had my journal on my lap. I was too exhausted to write, and my writings were so dark these days, I figured no one was going to read such dark drivel anyway. I just doodled idly, wondering what was the point of it all... Even my beloved Pacific Ocean could no longer soothe my troubled soul.

It was a cold day, overcast, with a chilly wind. There were grey clouds overhead, blocking the sunlight and making the ocean appear dull and grey. The ocean was churning and foaming, and the waves were poorly shaped. No one was out surfing. The day mirrored my mood.

It was then that I looked up at the sky, and murmured: "I could use a little help here."

The dark clouds continued to move back and forth in exactly the same pattern, showing no sign they had head me, and no sign they particularly cared. But, I continued to look skyward, and poured out my lament.

I sighed, and since I'd already decided I was crazy, there was no harm in talking to the clouds: "Look, I'm not asking for a miracle here. Just point me in the right direction. I know you like to help those who help themselves. I'm willing to help myself. I'm not even asking for an easy path or anything. I'm willing to take the road less traveled by, or a trial by fire, or be the last survivor on the island, or whatever it's going to take. But, I could use some help, please."

The dark clouds continued their endless movements, swirling about in their muddied patterns, and I sighed heavily, feeling as alone as ever. I could see no pattern in the clouds. No beauty in their shapes.

I looked back down at my drawing, but suddenly, a shape popped out at me from my drawing. My idle doodle looked a bit like a human body. So, I continued doodling, adding a head and limbs. And, I'm not sure why, but suddenly I began to mark down all the places in my body where I'd felt pain over the years. Before I knew it, I had marked off every quadrant of the body.

It hit me like a lightning bolt. Why I had I never realized this before? I was dealing with a system-wide problem! For so many years, I'd been concentrating on my most debalitating symptoms-- my skull-crunching headaches and terrible backpain, and ignoring the fact that my legs ached terribly when I walked up stairs, and my arms were often too tired to hold my son more than a few minutes at a time. Not to mention the diarrhea that I always thought was "something I ate," and the constipation that I thought was from the medications I took for my headaches. I never even mentioned these things to anyone, for fear they would think me a hypochondriac, as everyone already knew me as a person with chronic headaches, and a bad back.

As soon as we arrived home, I headed online and began searching for a system-wide disorder that could cause all the symptoms I'd been experiencing. Within a few hours, I found an exact match for my symptoms: fibromyalgia. And, wow! I never would have connected that symptom with this! And, I have that symptom, too! And, wow! I thought I was the only one who had that! You mean there are other people who have THAT symptom, too!? Amazing! I am not a freak of nature! There are other people out there just like me!

I'd been seeing doctors for my headaches and backaches for over twenty years now, and all along I'd had fibromyalgia. Now wonder my headaches had never gotten any better!

Well, I could go on and on, but I think you know how the story ends, because this story is your story, too.

This is all of our stories.

I was officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia, tried some treatments that didn't work, then heard about the guaifenesen protocol, was completely skeptical, but bought the book anyway, read it, decided to give it a try, and now the guaifenesen protocol has changed my life in so many ways... I guess the most significant way is that it has given me my life back.

The life that I almost threw away two years ago this month off of a cliff on Highway 1.

Well, you know exactly what I'm talking about Nancy, because you lived through this over the past two years as well.

The more people with fibromyalgia I meet, the more I am amazed how much our stories have in common.

Congratulations on your rebirth. Congratulations to all of us.